A public statement - the process of cleaning up continues.
I am nervous sharing this, as I write, my breath goes shallow, there is a slight feeling of dissociation and I see many black spots in front of my eyes.
It took many years to find the courage, but it's time.
In fact, that it is such activation in the body right now shows me the importance of doing this. That there is still energy leaking, attachment, and fear of owning my own voice, my power or being shamed.
Here it is.
9 1/2 years ago, I did TNT. From the very beginning, I smelled something was off. I pretended to not see what I saw & not feel what I felt - cus there were also amazing things happening. And despite that positive change TNT and Alex V have provided. Equally far too many ppl have had their lives damaged.
Me included.
This morning, I woke up and it was clear, it was time to write Alex ( now the chest is tightening and breath goes shallow again ). I tried many times, both to write and to share in public but I was not in alignment.
I am not even going to share details, as it is more for me to make a public statement than sharing the story. And perhaps, it can encourage others to do the same.
Today I sent the letter below to Alex.
And by sharing. I reclaim any fragmented & missing pieces of my soul and psyche. I declare sovereignty. I promise my soul to NEVER put her/myself into the same or similar situation ever again. If I am exposed to something similar, I will walk away, confront and speak up ( believe me, it has already happened a few times... ).
Most important.
I will always listen to the subtle voice within as that, is the most precious voice of them all.
Fuck am shaking right now...
Hello Alex!
I want to share something with you.
I have not asked for your willingness to receive this message and I ask you to read it through.
9 ½ years ago, I did L5 with you. That was the biggest trauma of my life and I experienced profound soul loss. It took me years to stabilize and I have, to this day, never fully recovered. This has brought a lot of pain, suffering, and most of all deep grief.
The idea you had of some ego-dissolving bullshit, activated instead a shielded & protective ego.
After. I was in pieces, suicidal and I reached out for support, but not you nor the team was willing to take responsibility. I wanted to be a good student. But damaged as I was, I was telling myself to take responsibility for putting myself in that circle.
But truth is
I fucking resent you.
I resent you for being a part of the biggest damage of my life
For not seeing the sensitive soul I was
The incredible connection that I had
The most precious part of myself died that evening.
Died.
And it’s not about you not seeing it,
It’s about me losing it and you being the amplifier for that.
I did learn a great lesson, how narrow, boring and sad it is to live in an ego state, and I understood the hell & suffering most people live in and I learned that what I had was something incredibly rare and beautiful that most people cannot even relate to.
That lesson sucks.
I also learned a desire to always encourage students/everyone to speak up, without being shamed. To own their unique truth, more than anyone else. To even project onto me – as I am not afraid.
I want voices to be heard and not my truth as the one truth.
So I thank you for showing me, how I do not want to be.
And how I don’t want my students to feel.
And how dangerous this over-powering tantric/spiritual field can be.
And I do pray for the wholeness to one day simmer through my veins so I can live in the beauty, compassion & deep connection once again.
Sanna